Married people have often told myself and other singles that we will not get married until we are content in our singleness.
I would like to humbly submit that this is said in error.
Let me explain... first, I do want to stress that contentment in Christ is absolutely paramount to having Jesus be Lord in your life and that every believer, regardless of his or her marital status, should be satisfied in Christ alone. Second, I also want to say that I do understand that when married folks share this “bit-o-wisdom” with us single women and men, I know that it is well-intended.
BUT, if I may, I am suggesting to you that this statement (and viewpoint) actually facilitates a works-based mentality that is more harmful than helpful in most cases. The Spirit doesn’t require us to attain a certain state or “level” before He grants us with any spiritual gift. The “gift” of singleness described in Scripture is the same word— “charisma” —that is used elsewhere in Scripture in reference to the gifts of wisdom, knowledge, faith, discernment, prophecy, marriage, etc. We can’t earn any of these gifts any more than we earn salvation. EVERY gift is all of grace.
Moreover, none of us are told that we will be given all of these gifts! Right now, I (and others) have the “charisma” of singleness. Perhaps one day we will have the “charisma” of marriage... but perhaps not. It does us no service to hear, “your time will come,” or, “one day... you just wait!” when in fact, no one knows if that is at all in Abba’s good and sovereign will for our lives! Our hope cannot be placed in the possibility of a future marriage.
We are single today because that is exactly what our Abba has apportioned to us today.
I am only saying all of this as an encouragement to my married brothers and sisters who are trying to encourage us single brothers and sisters... let’s all direct each other’s eyes to be fixed on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, the One in whom our hope should lie.
Some practical ways you can love and encourage the singles in your life:
-Pray for them regularly, and let them know that you do! (I hope that you do this for all of your friends- single and married alike!)
-Invite them into your home and include them in your families.
-Men, if you’re able, offer to help single women with home repairs or other things that may be a bit more difficult for them to accomplish alone.
-Lastly, when your single friend has a hard day and wants to “vent” about his/her singleness.... listen. The pain and emotions that are at times associated with singleness are real. Share your own stories of wrestling with your current life circumstances if you’d like! But always end by pointing his/her eyes to Christ for satisfaction.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, that photo is of myself in 1 of 12... that's right, 12... bridesmaid dresses I own ;)
Oh, and in case you're wondering, that photo is of myself in 1 of 12... that's right, 12... bridesmaid dresses I own ;)
This is a topic I’ve found myself discussing with single friends on numerous occasions. Back when I was in a particularly deep bout of frustration and heavy emotion with singleness, I decided if I got married I wasn’t going repeat the typical list of clichéd things married people told single people.
ReplyDeleteBecause those things are (often unintentionally) patronizing, unhelpful and minimize the valid emotions of single people. As a married person, I now have the insight to see that (at least what I believe) the issue is that when you have spent enough time in a secure long-term relationship, you become desensitized to remembering the heaviness of stress and emotion singleness carried on you when you were single. And maybe you weren’t dating a new person every night out of singleness desperation, but come on. You weren’t ever completely “content” in your singleness. But most of those worries were put to rest when you found your spouse.
So you forget the constant, frustrating, sometimes worrisome question mark that hovered overhead for years; will marriage and a traditional family ever actually happen for you, when you wish for it so deeply sometimes? Those feelings and worries are valid. They need to be acknowledged and processed. But it becomes easy to forget how deeply that impacted you at one point in time when you become comfortably settled in a relationship.
And sometimes after marriage, you do assume “oh, it happened for me, I’m sure it will happen for them”. (Probably the same way we do with other things in life; a teenager nervous about their driving test when we’ve had our license for ages; a collage student anxious about passing exams when we already have our degree.) But it's just not a helpful or correct assumption. And complacency isn't an excuse for tuning out of our empathy.
There’s also the issue that it’s hard to know what to say to someone struggling in singleness when you’ve found your spouse. You have only the best hopes of every other person out there doing the same and feel like you need to say something to “fix” their worries and make them feel all better and reassured. But like you pointed out, it’s no one’s job to try and predict an unknown future.
So while it’s harder to sit and listen to the difficulty in someone’s situation (when in your heart, you want to do nothing but make everything seem like it will be okay for your friend), it’s necessary. So is admitting uncomfortable things, like “yeah, I would be so frustrated too” or “you’re right, that really sucks and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it”. But that is probably what your single friends need if you are married. It’s what I try to do with my single friends when we have those conversations (although I’m sure I’m not perfect at it). And what I wish more people had done for and said to me when I was single.
Absolutely! I am glad that you are aware of the struggle and that you seek to offer the all-too-helpful simple statement, "you're right, that really sucks!" :) I'm sure your single friends appreciate you!
DeleteLindsy, Thank you for this excellent post!
ReplyDelete