I talked with a friend last night about how we are both single and would prefer not to be. We spoke of the difficulties we experience watching others whom we love be swept off their feet and carried away by these incredible men of God. We spoke of how lonely it can feel. How it can cause us to ask the "why?" question a lot.
But what we ended on wasn't frustration. In fact, we spoke quite a bit of how Jesus has swept us off our feet, and how He continues to pursue us, and how because we are not distracted with husbands and children, we are able to focus our attention on our intimacy with Him in the way that Paul spoke of in 1 Corinthians 7. And you know what? It's been a slow, hard lesson to learn, but I've finally come to the point of thanking Abba for all of my single years. Now, that doesn't mean that my desire for a husband is gone. But what it does mean is that one simple yet profound Truth has surfaced in my heart that I've always tried to stuff down and all of a sudden these past several years make sense to me now...
If Abba had given me a husband when I asked Him to, I would have made him my god.
At first, that reality came like a strong blow to my chest. "Me? Make someone else a god? Never! God, You know me! You know I love You more than anything!"
I raged.
It took some time, but somewhere along the way, when I finally shut up and let Him allure me into the wilderness and speak tenderly to me, I heard His sweet, soft, True, non-condemning voice...
"Yes. I DO know you. And I know you perfectly. Better than you know yourself. Can't you see that I've gifted you with this time? Can't you see how I've lavished My love on you, how I've never stopped pursuing your heart to make it more like Mine, how I caused My Spirit to make you yearn for Me? Can't you see how without this time, you would have never learned to love Me above all else? I love you. And you know that well. And you trust Me. Because we've spent all this time together."
Oh, He's right. He's right! I would have so quickly put my trust in a husband. I would have worshipped him as my redeemer from my single years. As my first love. As my lord.
There was much repentance, but it was followed with much grace.
If and when Abba does choose to gift me with a husband, I now know Who my first love really is. I know Who my Redeemer is. I know Who my Lord is. And I know that because of His Spirit, I can trust that He will carry out to completion the good work He has started in me.
I do not write all this to say that I am rid of my desires and totally 110% captivated by Jesus and I'll never cry again when another friend gets engaged. No, I will still struggle. And I will still need my friends to remind me of Truth and to point me back to Jesus as my Hope, not the possibility of a future husband.
But the difference is that stillness in my heart. It's that realization that I truly am fully known. And that the motto I preach to myself every day is true...
Jesus is better.
