Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The [ugly] Truth turned beautiful

Let me begin with confession. Most people think that I am a very confident person. This is true, to a certain extent. You see, I am confident in who I am, but I have never been confident in what I look like.
I think the reason for this is that I know that if there is any fruit which I am lacking, the Spirit will continue to grow those buds, cultivating my heart to be more like Jesus. I know this because of the promise of Philippians 1:6- "He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion in the day of Christ Jesus." The Bible says that He has "appointed [me] that [I] should go and bear fruit and that [my] fruit should abide" (John 15:16), so I guess I have just never been worried about that part of me. Sure, there are things about my character that I wish were different, but they are things that I recognize as sin and I beg the Spirit to replace them with goodness, which He does.

But what I've been hung up on is that the Spirit doesn't change how I look, and that was just the ugly truth. No matter how many times I ask for a smaller waist, longer legs, or a nose that doesn't stick straight up in the air, the Spirit does not do plastic surgery.

Why?

Why will God change other parts of me but not this one? That was the question that I struggled with, because God always has a reason.

His reason for changing my behavior? For me to love like Jesus.
His reason for changing the way that I speak? For me to speak like Jesus.
His reason for changing the way that I think? For me to think like Jesus.

I could go on for days...

All of the things that He has changed about me have had a reason for the change, and all of those reasons come back to Jesus. So then I asked Him, "Why do I look this way? You must have a reason."

And God said:
Daughter, you are "fearfully and wonderfully made... all of [my] works are wonderful" (Psalm 139). I "desire your beauty" (Psalm 45:11).

But even after hearing those sweet, sweet Truths from my Father, I was still feeling a little twinge in my heart. What it comes down to is that I believe that my Father views me, His creation, as beautiful... but I don't believe that men do. THAT was a hard for me to admit. I didn't realize it, but I have actually been esteeming man's opinion of my appearance as having greater merit than my Creator's.

I had a hard time figuring out the root of this. I begged the Spirit to reveal it to me so that it could be dug up. I asked Him, "Why in the world do I care so much about what men think of me?! God Almighty has declared me beautiful!"

And then it occurred to me... I can't remember a time whenever my dad has ever told me that he thinks that I am beautiful.

My dad left my family when I was 14, which was right around the time whenever the guys at school were beginning to comment on how they thought the girls around me looked. I was never the girl that they called pretty. Sure, it bothered me then, but I didn't think it was anything more than what the typical teenage girl felt... like everyone else was prettier. This thought process carried on over into my college years and now into my adult life, as I am still not the woman that men call beautiful.

It wasn't until just a few days ago that I realized just how important the affirmation of a father is in a girl's life. I didn't know the impact that the lack of affirmation from my dad has had on my heart. I didn't know that because my dad never called me beautiful that my depraved mind translated that into believing that no man thinks that I am beautiful.

As you can imagine, this has been a painful process for me. And it still is. I am not angry with my dad and I do not feel any bitterness towards him; I do wish that things had been different, but I refuse to dwell in the past. I am thankful that the Spirit has shown me the root of my struggle so that I can actually fight against the lies that I did not even know that I was believing before. But it's hard, and I need help. That's why I am so thankful for the Spirit! And I am thankful that Jesus knows exactly how I feel and is interceding for me. And I am thankful that the Father has given me His Word.

If there are any fathers who are reading this, please, tell your daughters that they are beautiful. The absence of those words truly does have a life-long impact on a woman's heart.

I wish that I could say things are "all better" now, that I am fully confident and that this is no longer a struggle, but I can't. What I can say is that I am gazing on the face of my beloved Creator and praying for the Spirit to allow the beautiful Truth of the words of my Father to take precedence in my heart above the words of man.

Image from: image

2 comments:

  1. Linzy, thank you for your transparency. I love it. You are a wonderful example to the girls you work with. You are right in acknowledging that all young girls struggle with their appearance. I also agree that hearing affirming words from fathers is so-o important. My dad, in fun (for him) liked to ridicule and point out what I saw as my physical flaws. I still struggle with some of those same things; I have not forgotten the words spoken AND not spoken. She is right, Dads.

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    1. Thank you, Debbie! I am so sorry that you had to experience that hurt from your father. Praying for Truth to reign in your heart as well!

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