Questioning God

Sometimes, I just have questions.

For so long, I thought that it was such a bad thing to question God... that if for one second I began to doubt Truth, that meant I was a "bad Christian" and that I didn't fully trust God. My solution to that problem was to study the heck out of whatever it was that I didn't understand. I would read books upon books, listen to sermons by various big name pastors (because it wasn't enough for me to listen to just anybody... it always had to be Piper, Chandler, Platt, Spurgeon, Sproul, Ferguson, etc.), and sure, I would read Scripture, but it would be out of my Reformation study Bible so that I could read the notes from other pastors.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do not mean to speak negatively of these men of God who are living out an incredibly high calling for the sake of Christ's name and His Good News being made famous. These men study the Word, preach it, counsel others, and even develop resources to help others study the Word (ie: study Bibles). However, my problem has been that they are the ones I go to with my questions, not God.

I somehow got the idea in my head that in order for me to "know God," I had to have Him all figured out. Actually, let me even correct that statement and say that it wasn't so much HIM that I wanted to know, but rather doctrine. Theology. Law. 
I wanted to know and understand these things and then apply them to my life and situations. In my mind, theology and Jesus were equated and so for me to study theological principles meant that I was actually growing closer to Christ.

Oh, how wrong I was!

Again, let me be careful to stress that I am not against theological studies at all... in fact, I encourage it! BUT when studying principles becomes more important than knowing the heart of God, there's a problem.

Currently, I have a lot of questions about God's character and His heart. There are things that are said in Scripture that I cannot seem to reconcile with the character of God that I know. What I am learning is to ask the Spirit to renew my mind in order that I might be prepared to actually hear from God what He says is True. 

You see, I am confident that all of my theological studies will be useful in ministry and I am grateful that the Father has created me with a mind that longs to know and understand things fully. However, I am asking Him to weed out what does not need to be there. Much of the knowledge that I possess is actually human opinion that I have stored away from books or sermons, so I want what I hold tight to to be rooted in Scripture alone. I want the Spirit to move me to take my questions to the throne of God and allow HIM to answer them if He so chooses.

What I am learning is that in order for this to happen, I should be spending time with Jesus and learning about His heart. So many of my theological questions can be answered simply by looking at God's character and answering from that! Because really, if we study things separated from God's character, strictly focusing on hard and fast rules, how can we expect our "results" to be anything more than man's logic? Is it not possible that God is too vast for us to comprehend on this side of Heaven?!

I have asked the Spirit to help me filter out all of my so-called "knowledge" and to leave only what is from His heart. 

"For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding" (Proverbs 2:6).

How clear is THAT?!

This is a hard thing for me to accept though. I like to be in control. I like to know everything. For me to relinquish control is giving way to so many insecurities... insecurities that I tried to cover with intelligence. But the thing is, it's OKAY if I don't know everything! HA! Amazing. To those of you who have tried to tell me that for the past few years, I sincerely apologize that my prideful flesh responded by saying, "No it's not! I NEED to know this stuff! I just need to study more..." and then looked down on you for not doing the same. 

I am actually quite comforted by knowing that I can't know everything. If I could, that would make me God, right? Isn't this very thought exactly how Satan tempted Eve in the garden when he said: 

"You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of [the fruit] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4).

I, like Eve, believed the serpent, only my fruit was theology. I bit off large chunks and became fat with false promises of the enemy that I could actually obtain answers to all of life's questions on my own. 

I still have questions. But the difference is that now I do not try to figure everything out and then go to God saying, "I get it... makes sense because I can explain it." Instead, I am learning to admit that I don't know it all and be okay with that, and then to trust that God is God and to just keep getting to know His beautiful heart.


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